As I get older.

So I have never been "OK" with my body I always thought i was too fat even when I was wearing a size 5 jean. Well now that I am getting older I am getting older I am finding myself coming to terms with my body. When I used to look in the mirror I would see everything was wrong with me, nothing ever good. Well now that I have had a child my body has really changed. The wider hips Stretch marks everywhere lol and so on. But now I find myself looking in the mirror and seeing the positive. Find things i love. Yes, I do wanna still lose more weight for sure and I am working on that. 14 pounds this month woohooo.
In the next week or two whenever I have the money I am going to apply at st Pete college. I am still have been thinking about this for so long I am ready for it. I still wanna go to be a r.n. I know it will be hard but that's find, what doesn't kill only makes you stronger. I am really excited!!! I will not going in to the college I will do online for my pre-reqs for nursing because I do not have anyone to watch Bradley and I refuse to put him in a daycare if not need to be. And I only trust a few select people with him. So that's how I got to that decision. But when I am done in college I would love to work in labor and delivery unit in a hospital but i will NOT miss my childs holiday and birthday- sorry. I would like to work in somehting to do with babies or pregnant women.well thats all for now

Conflicted

So I had said before I had Bradley I wanted 2-3 kids then when Bradley was born I said no more Bradley can be an only child. But now as Bradley gets older I find myself wanted another one. I miss Bradley being that baby. And I think is it really that good being an only child. He loves babies i mean loves them. I was the oldest of 4 and I love it. I love having my sisters and brother. And if we were to have more I don't want to get pregnant right now, but I want them to be some what close in age. So there are more points to having another child but there are negatives too. Some of the negatives are could we afford another child. What if Bradley hates having a baby around. I'm still losing more weight just to gain it back. I am going to start school on August or January.Plus on top of all that James says no way but he is starting to warm up to the idea maybe in a year and half or 2. So I guess I'm just conflicted on this. I really have not talked to much about it.

RIP Papa

So, today is my grandfathers wake in Mass. I almost wish I could be there. I mean don't get me wrong I would love to go but to see my papa in a casket would kill me I would not be able to hold it together. But I did write him a letter to put in his casket and got him a fathers day card. I know that death is just another part of life but is so hard. I just find myself crying randomly.
Well I have been doing alot of thinking. So growing up we never went to chruch and what not but we all believed in god and heaven. And I still believe that there is a god. But as I get older I think where do you really go when you die. Do you really go to heaven and your family is there or does your soul stay n earth protecting the ones you love. Hmmmmm I just I just don't know yet. I was talking to James and he thinks that you do go to heaven if you lived a good life but when then when you are needed for a another body you are born again. So what I believe in I'm unsure of yet. I need to do some soul searching for myself and I know that. I will be working on that.

UPDATE ON LIFE!!!!

So I have not been blogging oh well lol. I have been pretty busy. So Bradley would never really eat that much EVER!!!!! Then out of the blue he starting throwing up every night and sometimes during the day for 2 or 3 weeks straight I could not remember one night or one day of not throwing up. The weird thing is it was just milk never water tea or the little bit of food he would eat. Just milk all spoiled it was so gross all chunky and smelling really bad.So one morning he got up throwing up I was in tears not knowing what to do so there we are on Saturday morning with a baby that is throwing up chunky milk with bile. He is in shock and hurting so of course he is upset. So we bring him to the hospital they said that it seems his little body can't process milk so try soy milk. So on the way home we pick up some organic soy milk and he drank no big deal. And let me tell you what what a change before all he would want to do is cry and never ever eat. It has not even been a week and already he is eating all day talking more playing taking in more water. just everything is so much better no more throwing up. It made me cry the first night. Just because it always there was something wrong. Well now we will have to do testing to see what the allergy is to. There are like 3 different kind of milk allergy's but we have to wait to see about this insurance.
Well in the past week my grandfather passed away from kidney failure and cancer. He was only 66. They found out he has cancer about 1 months ago and told him it was at stage 4 which is the last stage. They told him he could go chemo and radiation treatments. So he started them only 2 days into them he was back in the hospital for kidney failure. They ran test and found cancer had spread to his bones. So he was told if you want to fight you will only live for 2-4 weeks. Well he didn't want to fight, whats the point if your going to die any way? He didn't want people to remember him on his death bed. So hospice came to his home and did the set up so he would be comfortable when he went. He was in really bad pain was he was drugged up with pain meds. I went to go see him it was really hard to see someone that has so strong laying there helpless. Knowing he was going to die killed me. Knowing that would be the last time I see him killed me. It was very bittersweet. I know that I was very lucky to say my goodbyes and that i loved him. but it still hurts. The thing that kills me too is that my grandma is going to come home to an empty home ( he is getting buried in mass.) To know that her whole is crumbing all around her yet there is not one thing she can do to stop it. I know this will take time to get better. I just miss him. I know he is in no more pain and he is in a better place. Looking down on everyone. He is always with me and I know that. I'll write more tomorrow to upset now

RIP Papa

Why?

So why has Bradley been throwing up lately errrr, today he was laying down about to fall asleep for his nap and he starts to get out of his bed so i go and pick him up and he threw up all over me and there was a ton. Sure enough i was bringing him to the bathroom and he threw up again and then threw for the 3rd time after i took his clothes off. I'm thinking in my head i don't know where this comes from because he is eating a little here and there., i actually started a journal of what he eats so i know and i can show his doctor because I'm sure people think i am crazy saying the things he eats. So who knows whats going on in that little body of his.

So much for the diet i was on lol i had chicken with bacon and then brownies tonight lol i guess harder workout tomorrow. i keep thinking to myself when i look in the mirror "Helllloooooo you are so gross your son is 16 months yet you have not fit into your old clothes" this whole weight thing is really taking a big toll on me that's like all i think about i would Rather look like 85lbs at 5'1'' than what i am at 186 yes i said it my weight i don't care. so I'm trying to loss the weight it seems to be impossible i guess they say slow and steady. and i think back when i was in high school and i was 140 i was actually considered overweight I'm like are you fucking kidding me i wore a size 5/7 but i was overweight. my healthy weight is 125. yeah i would love to be that with no extra skin( thanks Bradley for the lovely stretch marks and extra skin) why is that the girl that weigh next to nothing gain there weight during pregnancy and within a month they have no mommy tummy and they look the babysitter because you would never guess that they just had a baby. and on top of that they loose all there weight in a record amount of time but they have no stretch marks wtf???? well off of this topic

so I'm looking back on pictures of last Easter gees Bradley was so small makes me ALMOST want more almost being the key word.

First Blog

So, I have decided to start a blog. The reason I'm starting a blog is the simple fact I would love to have somewhere to remember all the memories of of son, and to de-stress. So I have made a choice to go to school for a nursing but i have never went to college and this will be a nice change...... hopefully. I don't want to look back on this time in my life and regret that I never went to school. Well Bradley is getting so big he has to be at least 25 pounds now and of course he has to carried everywhere which is killing me. But like I always say I would rather have him be attached to me than a daycare worker. But sometimes I guess I wanna just scream he is on my hip moring while making breakfast on here for lunch and lately he has been on there at the dinner table so let's just hope that will let up soon. lol
James (My hubby) and I are doing good. He has beenworking alot to keep up with all the bills fun fun. So we try to spend time toegether as much as possible. But at times its just not possible.
well off to bed beacuses its 230am night