As I get older.

So I have never been "OK" with my body I always thought i was too fat even when I was wearing a size 5 jean. Well now that I am getting older I am getting older I am finding myself coming to terms with my body. When I used to look in the mirror I would see everything was wrong with me, nothing ever good. Well now that I have had a child my body has really changed. The wider hips Stretch marks everywhere lol and so on. But now I find myself looking in the mirror and seeing the positive. Find things i love. Yes, I do wanna still lose more weight for sure and I am working on that. 14 pounds this month woohooo.
In the next week or two whenever I have the money I am going to apply at st Pete college. I am still have been thinking about this for so long I am ready for it. I still wanna go to be a r.n. I know it will be hard but that's find, what doesn't kill only makes you stronger. I am really excited!!! I will not going in to the college I will do online for my pre-reqs for nursing because I do not have anyone to watch Bradley and I refuse to put him in a daycare if not need to be. And I only trust a few select people with him. So that's how I got to that decision. But when I am done in college I would love to work in labor and delivery unit in a hospital but i will NOT miss my childs holiday and birthday- sorry. I would like to work in somehting to do with babies or pregnant women.well thats all for now

Conflicted

So I had said before I had Bradley I wanted 2-3 kids then when Bradley was born I said no more Bradley can be an only child. But now as Bradley gets older I find myself wanted another one. I miss Bradley being that baby. And I think is it really that good being an only child. He loves babies i mean loves them. I was the oldest of 4 and I love it. I love having my sisters and brother. And if we were to have more I don't want to get pregnant right now, but I want them to be some what close in age. So there are more points to having another child but there are negatives too. Some of the negatives are could we afford another child. What if Bradley hates having a baby around. I'm still losing more weight just to gain it back. I am going to start school on August or January.Plus on top of all that James says no way but he is starting to warm up to the idea maybe in a year and half or 2. So I guess I'm just conflicted on this. I really have not talked to much about it.

RIP Papa

So, today is my grandfathers wake in Mass. I almost wish I could be there. I mean don't get me wrong I would love to go but to see my papa in a casket would kill me I would not be able to hold it together. But I did write him a letter to put in his casket and got him a fathers day card. I know that death is just another part of life but is so hard. I just find myself crying randomly.
Well I have been doing alot of thinking. So growing up we never went to chruch and what not but we all believed in god and heaven. And I still believe that there is a god. But as I get older I think where do you really go when you die. Do you really go to heaven and your family is there or does your soul stay n earth protecting the ones you love. Hmmmmm I just I just don't know yet. I was talking to James and he thinks that you do go to heaven if you lived a good life but when then when you are needed for a another body you are born again. So what I believe in I'm unsure of yet. I need to do some soul searching for myself and I know that. I will be working on that.

UPDATE ON LIFE!!!!

So I have not been blogging oh well lol. I have been pretty busy. So Bradley would never really eat that much EVER!!!!! Then out of the blue he starting throwing up every night and sometimes during the day for 2 or 3 weeks straight I could not remember one night or one day of not throwing up. The weird thing is it was just milk never water tea or the little bit of food he would eat. Just milk all spoiled it was so gross all chunky and smelling really bad.So one morning he got up throwing up I was in tears not knowing what to do so there we are on Saturday morning with a baby that is throwing up chunky milk with bile. He is in shock and hurting so of course he is upset. So we bring him to the hospital they said that it seems his little body can't process milk so try soy milk. So on the way home we pick up some organic soy milk and he drank no big deal. And let me tell you what what a change before all he would want to do is cry and never ever eat. It has not even been a week and already he is eating all day talking more playing taking in more water. just everything is so much better no more throwing up. It made me cry the first night. Just because it always there was something wrong. Well now we will have to do testing to see what the allergy is to. There are like 3 different kind of milk allergy's but we have to wait to see about this insurance.
Well in the past week my grandfather passed away from kidney failure and cancer. He was only 66. They found out he has cancer about 1 months ago and told him it was at stage 4 which is the last stage. They told him he could go chemo and radiation treatments. So he started them only 2 days into them he was back in the hospital for kidney failure. They ran test and found cancer had spread to his bones. So he was told if you want to fight you will only live for 2-4 weeks. Well he didn't want to fight, whats the point if your going to die any way? He didn't want people to remember him on his death bed. So hospice came to his home and did the set up so he would be comfortable when he went. He was in really bad pain was he was drugged up with pain meds. I went to go see him it was really hard to see someone that has so strong laying there helpless. Knowing he was going to die killed me. Knowing that would be the last time I see him killed me. It was very bittersweet. I know that I was very lucky to say my goodbyes and that i loved him. but it still hurts. The thing that kills me too is that my grandma is going to come home to an empty home ( he is getting buried in mass.) To know that her whole is crumbing all around her yet there is not one thing she can do to stop it. I know this will take time to get better. I just miss him. I know he is in no more pain and he is in a better place. Looking down on everyone. He is always with me and I know that. I'll write more tomorrow to upset now

RIP Papa